sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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