if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
