remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
