so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
