Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
