just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
