You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
