The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
