Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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