not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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