God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
