i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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