So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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