i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
