I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
high people should be assigned attendants
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
