If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
