Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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