Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
