that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
