well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i think i just lost a toe
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
