I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
