mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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