I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
