His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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