it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
