I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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