all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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