Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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