why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
