Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
