Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
