i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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