if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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