i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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