She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
