you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
