she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
