Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
