Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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