Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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