Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
