Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
