Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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