See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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