Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
