it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
