the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
