she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
