i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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