I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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