we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
